Review: Easy Feet

Don't walk the hard way for easy feet!

 

I bought this product at a Pharmacy’s “As seen on TV,” section. Usually, I purchase these types of products right from the Infomercial in those wee hours off the morning when I’m an insomniac, or I’m waiting for the Food Network to resume it’s normal programming. Why a network with as much money and as much food as the Food Network has to still have infomercials as late as 0900 is beyond me?!! But they do, and it’s really annoying, and I’m off topic so...

Initially I loved this “Easy Feet,” foot cleansing system. It’s kind of like going through one of those automatic car washes with the soapy suds, drop down curtain of cleansing cloths, and spinning sponges appearing and disappearing in your direct and peripheral views...only Easy Feet is manual, free, and for your footsies! It suctions itself to the shower floor and uses the soap suds that run down your body and collects on your distal digits to scrub all the cheese out...get this: from the soles, dorsals, even in between your toes! It also has a built-in pumice stone for your crusty heels, and boasts an impressive 10,000 bristles for those hard-to-reach great toe folds.

My upstairs bathroom gets cleaned very regularly. It’s a stark yet beautiful space, with alot of custom stone work, a huge shower, and almost no clutter. Plus, it’s painted in one of my crazy color picks: Tangerine! When a murky, dismal scent starting wafting through this beloved bathroom, I thought, “it was kind of humid today, it’s probably just moisture build up.”

When that murky scent turned into a dank, tingly odor that lingered despite the open window and cross breeze I thought, “Maybe it’s because we don’t use a bathmat and just let the water evaporate from the natural stone floor. Crap, what if it’s getting under the stone and causing mold!” I set about checking the floor for cracks in the stone/sealant, and bought a bathmat. New Rule: dry off IN the shower stall, then step out onto the bathmat and dry off again.

That dank, tingly odor quickly evolved into a heavy, mildewy stench that drifted in through the olfactory organ and actually made me feel less clean after my shower. I realized both my daughter and I take scalding hot showers, creating a ton of steam and condensation, and we never turn on the ventilation fan. I figured, “Well, duh we’ve completely mildewed/molded inside the ceiling where the fan would be venting out the moisture but since we never turn it on, it just sits there and can’t evaporate with no circulation.” New Rule in Effect Immediately: Turn fan on EVERY time you use the bathroom for any reason.

The heavy, mildewy stench morphed into a suffocating, heinous, nose hair rending, vile fetor of decay that hung in the air like a gloom chandelier. Aeration, Bathmats, and ventilation fans had done nothing to dissipate the stink so I started sniffing around (punny!) for other sources. What I found gracing the floor of my shower will shock you:

EWWWWWW!

EASY feet? More like Rotten Feet. Even though the bathroom itself gets cleaned regularly, Moldy Feet was on the floor so I’d just shove it over and merrily clean around it. When I found Nasty Feet rotting, decaying, and decomposing right before my very feet, I tossed it into a six foot deep trash can. Beat it, Fungi Feet.

Sorry if this makes you want to baby Puke! This is GROSS, I can't believe I showered with this abomination!

Bottom Line: Unless you want dirty, mildewed, moldy air and Decomposing Feet DO NOT BUY. Alternatively, you could bleach Putrid Feet regularly but for me, I’ll just wash my feet the good old fashioned way: in the toilet. Haha, kidding :)

Review: Marc Summers

Dear Femi-Man: Say NO to Eye Shadow!


Marc Summers is a television personality slash game and talk show host slash producer. I know him best as the host/producer of “Unwrapped” on the Food Network channel. 

Marc has the unfortunate honor of embodying what I call the “Femi-Man.” I’m not exactly sure when the Femi-Man tittered its girly little head, but I started noticing it just a few years ago. It started with noticeably waxed eyebrows. Then came hair dying and highlighting. Today’s Femi-Man straight up gets everywhere-waxed, dyed, manicured, pedicured, spray tanned, shaves his legs/armpits, Botox, electrolysis, wears makeup, girdles, colored contact lenses, thong underwear, lip gloss, nail polish etc. The Femi-man is strictly heterosexual, only with these girly habits as listed above. Oftentimes he has metrosexual tendencies, but a strictly Metro male is not necessarily a Femi-man. Don’t misunderstand, some grooming activities I would advocate..such as manscaping, or eliminating copious amounts of back hair! However, the Femi-Man engages in such a large quantity of these feminine beautifying activities, they no longer qualify as a Man. 

Femi-Man Marc Summers. To see him truly resplendent
in full make-up watch his show "Unwrapped." 

Enter poor, seemingly desperate to maintain his sprightly appearance, Marc Summers. His skin has the powder-over-oil appearance of heavy moisturizers followed by cakey, foundationy stage makeup. His eyebrows are smartly shaped to arch delicately and are filled in with just the right shades of salt and pepper to match his hair. His eyes have a spattering of white shadow between the lid and brow bone to really make their murky blueness “pop.” His hair is fanned and sprayed evenly as if set by a gentle tropical breeze. His forehead is discreetly bronzed while still trying to foster the porcelain-doll-skin look.  A creamy blush is smoothed over his oh-so-delicate cheekbones. His eyelashes are separated, curled, and defined with a clear mascara. And the worst, most repulsive offender: His cupid lips are finished with a cherry gloss that makes them pout and pucker just so. UGH! I’d invite him to my house, but I’d be afraid he’d five finger my Sephora Rouge.

Don’t misunderstand my harsh criticism. I don’t hate Marc Summers. In his defense, I doubt he asked for the make-up. They probably just started applying it and convinced him he looked better, younger, fresher, made for TV etc. However, I believe he, and every other Femi-Man out there needs to take a stand against cosmetics and be the brawny, rugged, dare-I-say-it hairy MAN they’re supposed to be! 

Say NO to EYESHADOW! 

Femi-Man with random lollipops and woman. Coincidence that the pop's vibrant red stripe is the same color as his crimson kisser? I THINK NOT.